No…im not lost. Maybe just tired of going in circles.  You look for someone, then that someone comes along, and everything seems ok.  Then time passes and you learn a lot about each other and from each other.  And find yourselves frequently amidst arguments, and fights.  Then you compromise.  Then comes Stubbornness  and Dissatisfaction.  Then comes the question, “Is it acceptance or mere settling?”. Lately for the past year, i felt like I’ve only become a burden, perhaps i gave in too much to my emotions about my frustrations, misgivings, disappointments and failures.  And she was there to get me back on my feet, in a rather forceful manner, well, not all the time, it starts with a gentle push, and then my stubbornness kicks in, then i feel like a whipped horse, and feel like I’m dragging her along.

Yes, it’s not suppose to be like that.  Perhaps i have this “lack of patience” deficiency, maybe because all of it has been drained, and replaced with anger and frustration, after just being smiled at for being tardy.  The very times when i don’t feel loved.  And I find myself always trying to make her hurry up,  She’s pretty good at wasting time yes.  Her very best talent, with no regard to whoever is waiting for her.  I tend to wait for her all the time, and somehow feel she’s being pushy at the same time.  And she describes me as someone who is “draining”, yes, i know, i have my own faults too.  And i feel somewhat the same way for her, but kept it in.  And there was that one night i just bursted out of nowhere for no real reason.  And left her at that food chain after she insisted that i should leave her.  I’m Sorry.  But that was one of the effects.

Other than that, everything is ok, like “hmm, ok.”. but not quite all the way ok. I was planning on proposing but i had to make sure if i was really up to it.  ill be locking myself up in a place i cannot get out of, and was scared that i might just end up trying to sneak out of it in the long run.  You’d define it as “cheating”.  And that would turn out to be a bigger crime considering you’ve already pledged under the sacrament of holy matrimony.  I noticed a big change about myself lately, i never used to turn my head to other girls, even if shes not around.  They were just part of the back drop. But now, i don’t know.  I’d see a pretty girl and think, “what if i was with her, i wonder how it would turn out?”.  I am not supposed to be like this.  Something must have happened, or did not happen, that made me like this.  I remember she used to literally make my head turn once she sees a girl who she thinks id like.  But id turn away instead.  And rather just look at girls’ butts and boobs haha! And no, I am not looking for someone more beautiful, or sexier, better in bed, or someone who can wash dishes under 3 hours. i don’t know.  I want a better chemistry i guess.

Before i end this, i would like to acknowledge the fact that she has been really supportive, thoughtful, caring, patient and  tolerant.  I guess the bigger problem was just me. I’ve weighed things over and thought about it a lot.  She deserves a better guy.  And I…I don’t know.  I just want to focus on what i want to do with my life from now on.  Im still waiting for that final interview, and hopefully it’ll be worth the wait.  So i can start on building my life the way i should have a few years back.  I got so caught up in my dream and was too confident I’d make it just by taking the road directly heading there.  And now, I am trying to catch up on the things i am missing out on.  And i don’t care if i have someone or not.  But I prefer to do it alone though.  So i can prove to them, you, that I got sh*t too.

If you’re in the same situation as I am and have a girlfriend who is so crazy about you,  quit the emo crap, get up and prove your worth. she might be ok for now, but don’t let the time come when she’ll start to lose hope on you, and finds the things she likes in another guy.

Ha! I’m like throwing away something precious to me.

But it’s the right thing to do.

I guess.

Even if it hurts.